They said what?! How to piss off a new mum in 8 easy steps


If you’ve been there you’ll know that life with a newborn can be bloody hard work. If not, I’m about to save you from seeing your friend turn into satan in a dressing gown. You have been warned….

1.You really should sleep when the baby sleeps

Really? What a great idea! Unfortunately he usually sleeps whilst I’m doing laps of the ring road in my car or pushing a trolley round tesco, neither of which are ideal snooze locations. On the rare occasion I’m at home when he naps I have precisely 20 minutes to shower, eat, empty the dishwasher, tidy the house, make dinner………

2. Are you sure he’s not hungry?

Nope, hadn’t crossed my mind at all. I mean he’s only attached to my nipple for 90% of the day, and during the rare moments he’s not i’m either changing his nappy, wiping up sick or thinking about when he next needs to be attached to my nipple. Fml.

3. But what do you actually do all day?

Please see numbers 1 and 2. And never darken my door with your stupid questions again.

4. You’re making a rod for your own back there….

Yes, I’m well aware that needing to jiggle my baby to sleep whilst simultaneously breastfeeding and reciting the alphabet song is not an ideal long-term strategy. But for now, it works. And frankly that’s all I care about.

5. ‘My two both slept through the night from six weeks’

Oh really? How lovely for you. And this information helps me how exactly? Now excuse me whilst I unfriend you on Facebook…..

6. Are you sure you should have that glass of wine whilst you’re breastfeeding?

Possibly the meanest thing that anyone’s ever said to me. Please don’t take my wine away.

7. Aww is he teething?

How on earth should I know? Once you’ve ruled out a need for food/a clean nappy/sleep it appears that everyone else knows that your baby is teething. Or has wind. Apparently.

8. ‘I just popped round to see how you’re doing’

How sweet of you. But know this- the unannounced visit is NEVER appreciated. It will almost inevitably involve you waking a sleeping baby, require your friend to make you a cup of tea or feel generally embarrassed that she isn’t dressed at 2pm. Just no.

So there you have it. If you’ve been through it, you’ll understand. If you haven’t, I’ve probably just saved you a few friends.


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